A Hater’s Guide to Brett Favre

The NFL season finally kicks off tonight with a highly anticipated rematch of last year’s NFC Championship game between the New Orleans Saints and the Minnesota Vikings. Expect excitement! Expect big hits! Expect explosive offense! Expect non-stop chatter about Brett Favre intermingled with frequent shots of his wife sitting in a luxury box!

Unless you live in Minnesota or you’re John Madden/Peter King, you hate Brett Favre. Don’t even pretend like you don’t, not even you, Wisconsin. And hey, at least you Wisconsinites have a valid reason for your disdain. But what about the rest of us? It’s easy to say you hate Brett Favre, but do you know what to say if someone asks why? If not, here are some facts* to help you along.

The Basics

  • Brett Favre was born in Mississippi. Does this mean he has ties to the KKK? No, but it doesn’t mean hedoesn’t either, right?
  • His last name is pronounced like “fahr-vuh” even though the spelling makes it seem like it should be pronounced “fahv-ray.”
  • Brett Favre is descended from hillbillies who can’t spell their own name.

Brett Favre Family

NFL Success

  • Brett Favre won one Superbowl as a Green Bay Packer, which means 18 of his 19 NFL seasons have been complete and total failures.

Brett Favre Crying

NFL Records

  • Career leader in interceptions (317)
  • Career leader in interceptions during the playoffs (30)
  • Career playoff losses as starting quarterback (11)
  • Probably some other stuff
  • Most awkward draft day photo ever. Nice fucking jorts, dude.

Brett Favre Jean Shorts

Endorsement Deals

  • Brett Favre is the current spokesman for Wrangler Jeans.
  • Wrangler Jeans are sold primarily at Wal-Mart.
  • Draw your own conclusions.

People of Wal Mart

Retirement

  • Brett Favre has retired and come back from retirement more times than The Eagles, The Who and KISS combined.
  • But at least none of the aforementioned bands cried like bitches every time they lied about retiring. Not even Don Henley, and he’s a total woman.

Brett Favre Crying Press Conference Retirement

  • It’s believed that Brett Favre wants to win one more Superbowl prior to finally retiring.
  • Brett Favre will never retire.
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